Official portrait of the Mayor.
Commissioned by the Mayor.
Approved by the Mayor.
NEW! BLOOD DRIVE TOTALS UPDATED
A MESSAGE FROM THE OFFICE OF THE MAYOR
Friends, neighbors, and persons passing through the skyway on their way to somewhere else:
It is my privilege to welcome you to billhanley.com, the internet's most complete and least requested archive of my life's work. What began as a modest effort to document one regional award has grown, through no restraint on my part, into eleven pages.
I did not seek the title of Mayor of Lowertown. I simply used it until it stopped being questioned. There was no election, no ballot, and no opponent — a mandate so total that scholars call it "unverifiable."
In 2024 my peers saw fit to induct me into the Silver Circle, the Emmy® Lifetime Achievement honor recognizing twenty-five years of distinguished service to television. I accepted humbly, then had it engraved on four separate objects.
Please enjoy the site. Please do not email me about the counter.
— Bill
THE HANLEY RECORD, BY THE NUMBERS
12,847
PINTS, SKYWAY BLOOD DRIVE
1
EMMY® SILVER CIRCLE (MENTIONED 4,000×)
0
VOTES RECEIVED FOR MAYOR
88,201
SKYWAY MILES LOGGED, EST.
★ THE SKYWAY BLOOD DRIVE ★
The Mayor's signature civic institution. Every year, Bill converts a climate-controlled pedestrian corridor into a place where colleagues lie down and give up a pint of themselves, largely to avoid a second conversation about it. Participation is voluntary in the same sense that breathing is voluntary. He will find you. He knows which skyway you take.
Donor motto: "It was easier than saying no to Bill."
Guestbook under construction since March 1999.
BIOGRAPHY & TIMELINE OF ACHIEVEMENTS
William "Bill" Hanley has spent four decades in public media, a field he entered because it was hiring and remained in because nobody devised a lawful way to stop him. What follows is the authorized timeline. An unauthorized timeline exists in three separate HR files and is not linked here.
1985
Hired. Arrives with one necktie and a level of confidence unsupported by the necktie.
1989
Discovers the skyway system. Recognizes immediately that it is a jurisdiction with no incumbent.
1993
First recorded use of the phrase "as Mayor of Lowertown, I…" in a budget meeting. No one objects. The republic falls.
1997
Founds the Skyway Blood Drive after learning that a person lying on a cot cannot leave a conversation.
1998
Launches this website. Visitor counter installed. Last meaningful redesign concludes at 5:00 AM the same morning.
2004
Introduces the practice of arriving at meetings eleven minutes early to establish territorial claim on the room.
2011
Survives a station reorganization by being impossible to describe on an org chart.
2017
Begins referring to his own tenure in the third person during performance reviews. His own.
2024
Inducted into the Emmy® Silver Circle. Becomes the first public media professional in the region so honored, a fact he has since honored back, repeatedly, at length.
2026
Retires. Announces he will remain Mayor of Lowertown in an emeritus capacity, which is the same capacity.
PERSONAL
Bill holds no degree in municipal governance, no certification in phlebotomy, and no documented authority over any portion of downtown Saint Paul. He considers all three technicalities.
THE AWARD — A COMPLETE ACCOUNTING
The Silver Circle is conferred by the National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences upon individuals who have completed twenty-five years of distinguished service to the television industry. Bill received it. This page exists because that sentence, on its own, was found to be insufficient.
SPECIFICATIONS OF THE PLAQUE
MATERIAL
Walnut-finish composite, silver-tone plate
DIMENSIONS
9" × 12" (11" × 14" as described by Bill)
MASS
2.1 lb ("substantial")
MOUNTING
Two anchors. Studs located personally.
LEVEL STATUS
Verified weekly. Currently: LEVEL.
DUPLICATES
4 (three unauthorized, all by Bill)
THE CEREMONY: A MINUTE-BY-MINUTE RECONSTRUCTION
6:42 PM — Bill arrives. Ballroom is not yet open. Bill waits in the corridor in a posture of readiness.
7:15 PM — Chicken served. Bill describes it later as "fine, considering the volume."
8:31 PM — Name called. Bill rises before the second syllable, having timed it in advance.
8:33 PM — Acceptance remarks begin. Allotted: 90 seconds.
8:39 PM — Acceptance remarks continue. Music begins. Bill acknowledges the music and continues.
8:41 PM — Music stops. It is not clear who blinked.
pics coming soon!
CHECK BACK LATER
Photographed at the angle Bill specifies.
MENTION COUNT
Times Bill has referenced the Silver Circle in a meeting where it was not relevant:
1,204
(this quarter)
PHOTO GALLERY
Curated by the Mayor. Captions written by the Mayor. Selection criteria: which ones he looks best in.
The Mayor conducting an unscheduled inspection of a skyway he does not own.
Blood Drive, 2003. Note the clipboard. There is always a clipboard.
pics coming soon!
CHECK BACK LATER
Accepting the Silver Circle. Minute six of a ninety-second speech.
pics coming soon!
CHECK BACK LATER
A colleague, mid-realization that the conversation is not over.
pics coming soon!
CHECK BACK LATER
The Mayor at his desk, 4:47 AM, updating this website.
pics coming soon!
CHECK BACK LATER
Photo withheld pending review by the Mayor.
TESTIMONIALS
Unsolicited praise, solicited repeatedly.
"Bill is the reason I know what a skyway is. Bill is also the reason I take the street."
— Colleague, 19 years, requested anonymity, then requested it again
"I gave blood eleven times. I am not eligible to give blood."
— Anonymous, Third Floor
"When Bill says he'll stop by your desk, he means he has already been standing behind you for some time."
— Production, Studio B
"In twenty-five years I have never seen him lose an argument, largely because he does not recognize the concept of the other person finishing."
— A Manager, since retired, unrelated
"He is genuinely one of the finest people I have worked with, and I would like that quoted in full, including this part, so it is clear I was not being sarcastic, because he will ask."
— Longtime friend and colleague
"Outstanding. A credit to the profession. A model of civic spirit."
— W. Hanley, Mayor of Lowertown
Testimonials are reviewed by the Office of the Mayor prior to publication. Twelve were not published.
PRESS ROOM
Selected coverage. Clippings maintained in a binder. The binder has a title page.
THE LOWERTOWN LEDGER · SEPT 2024
Local Man Wins Regional Emmy Honor; Local Man Confirms This Himself
Reached for comment, Hanley provided comment. Reached again for a shorter comment, Hanley provided the original comment with additional context.
SKYWAY QUARTERLY · SPRING 2019
Who Runs The Skyway? Nobody. Also, Apparently, Bill Hanley
City officials confirmed there is no office of Mayor of Lowertown, no salary attached to it, and no mechanism by which it could be vacated.
STAFF INTRANET DIGEST · OCT 2011
Blood Drive Exceeds Goal For Fourteenth Year; Goal Reportedly Set By Bill
The goal was described as "ambitious but achievable" by the person who set it, met it, and announced it.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR · 1998–PRESENT
Re: Your Recent Coverage Of The Skyway (41 letters)
All forty-one letters share a signature. All forty-one are substantially the same letter. Two contain corrections to the previous forty.
MEDIA INQUIRIES: The Mayor is available. The Mayor has always been available. The Mayor would like you to know how available the Mayor is.
OFFICIAL GIFT SHOP
ALL PROCEEDS BENEFIT THE SKYWAY BLOOD DRIVE. ALL DECISIONS BENEFIT BILL.
product shot
"ASK ME ABOUT THE SKYWAY" TEE
Nobody will. He will tell you regardless.
$24.00ADD TO CART
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COMMEMORATIVE PLAQUE OF THE PLAQUE
A plaque commemorating the receipt of a plaque. Walnut-finish composite.
$89.00ADD TO CART
product shot
THE MAYOR'S CLIPBOARD
Comes pre-loaded with a list you are already on.
$19.00ADD TO CART
product shot
"I DONATED, PLEASE STOP" STICKER (100 PK)
Field-tested. Ineffective.
$8.00ADD TO CART
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SKYWAY MAP, ANNOTATED
Official municipal map with 340 handwritten corrections in red.
$35.00ADD TO CART
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AUDIO CASSETTE: THE FULL ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
Unabridged. Two cassettes. Ninety seconds of it was broadcast.
$12.00ADD TO CART
Shopping cart functionality has been under construction since 1998. To order, find Bill. He will find you first.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Is Bill Hanley actually the Mayor of Lowertown?
A: No. There is no such office. The question has been asked and answered, chiefly by Bill, chiefly in the affirmative.
Q: Who elected him?
A: The electorate consists of one person, who is also the candidate, the returning officer, and the press pool.
Q: Can I decline to give blood?
A: You can begin declining. Historically, that is where it ends.
Q: What is the Silver Circle?
A: An Emmy® Lifetime Achievement honor for twenty-five years of distinguished service to television. Bill will explain it to you personally, at the length of the twenty-five years.
Q: Why does this website look like this?
A: It was built correctly in 1998 and has not required revision.
Q: Is the visitor counter real?
A: The counter is real. The number is a separate question.
Q: He's retiring. Does the title transfer?
A: The Office of the Mayor has reviewed the matter and found no successor qualified, available, or willing.
Q: Is any of this mean?
A: No. Forty-one years, one Emmy, twelve thousand pints, and an entire building of people who would do it all again. That is the joke, and it is on us.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW THE MAYOR?
Six questions. No time limit, in keeping with tradition.
Answer the questions, then request a grade. Grades are final and were decided in advance.
